Mymavra.com - Pimp it your Way

            I can sit here now on the beach where it all began, watching the water, watching the children play, watching time pass by.  I can do this because I have nothing but time. Time…my occasional adversary and frequent friend. I loved time once on this beach, walking or talking with Todd, making plans for our future, laughing over the past, or merely sitting as I do now. Time was never my enemy here. Even now, I let time slip quietly through my memories, allowing me to see with cutting clarity what led me back here and what awaits me.

            Todd and I met on this beach, it seems like forever ago. Neither one of belonged here, we both had tourist all but written on our faces, but from the day I stumbled out of the water half blinded by the sun and literally fell over him, this beach belonged to us in our minds.  We married seven months later, almost on this very spot. Every summer since, no matter how much we had to sacrifice financially in other areas, we always managed to find our way back here for at least a few days. We would stay out late on our final night, listening to the waves, digging our toes in the sand, completely at peace with the world. They were the times we cherished most.

            Has it only been a week since the last night we walked here together, saying goodbye to another August?  I dared him to forget the hotel and sleep with me on the beach. He just laughed, never taking me seriously, and leisurely made his way back towards the distant lights. I grabbed the blanket out of his hand and ran the other way, teasing him to chase me. I was watching him instead of where I was going.  If only I could take that moment back.

            I felt something under my bare foot, something that felt more like flesh than sand. I came to a dead stop, but not in time to stop myself from colliding with an unseen force; something that felt like electricity and grabbed me tight around my torso. I heard a whisper like the sound of a crying child inside my head.

            “Lonely.”

            I doubled over and fell onto the sand, gasping for air. I was in a vice-grip, lungs suddenly on fire, and my arms and legs refused to work any longer. Todd was running towards me. I tried to say his name, but could only manage a pathetic croak. He dove down beside me and, as he touched my head, I heard that soft, sad voice again.

            “Lonely.”

            It left me, that power that was draining my life away, as Todd hovered over trying to find what was blocking my airflow. It surged right through my being, out and away and grabbed my Todd. The color drained from his face. He jerked straight back, eyes rolling up until only the whites shown. He was as pale and still as if he were a marble figure instead of a man. Abruptly, he collapsed, face down in the sand. I crawled towards him, still unable to speak. He was breathing, but unconscious. I reached out to him and heard a strange buzzing in my ears.

            I awoke what seemed like an eternity later, alone in the night. I was sore, but mobile, and there was a noxious taste of smoke in my mouth.  I got shakily to my feet, calling out to Todd. I could hear nothing but the whisper of the water.  Almost by accident, I saw a trail of sorts in the shadowy sand.  It led away from the streets and hotels, away from the security of other people.  I stumbled after it, hoping that he was perhaps dazed, just as I was, but safe. If he was walking, he had to be safe.

            Finally I saw him lit by the moon as is emerged from a clouded shroud. He was on a pier, shuffling towards the ocean ahead. Adrenaline shot through me and I raced to catch him. I grabbed hold of him just past half the length of the pier. I was jolted by a slight shock as I touched him, but I didn’t let go. He tried to pull away from me. His face showed no recognition.

            “Lonely”, he said with no affect in his voice. His eyes were focused on the ocean and he began to struggle as I attempted to tug him back to the beach. He became more insistent now.

            “Lonely!”

            Strength induced by sheer panic was the only thing that kept my grip on him, but he was pulling me along with him now.  I slapped him across the face, hoping to wake him out of this suicidal sleepwalk, but he only repeated that single word and continued to shamble forward to the beckoning water. The pier was slick and I had little purchase as I tried to drag my feet. Tiny crabs skittered and crunched under my heels, splinters seemed to leap up to pierce me, and I could feel blood as my skin shredded, which only made it easier for Todd to slide me along behind him. I screamed until my throat was raw, but he heard nothing but the call of that inner voice.

            “Hey!” Someone shouted behind us and the pier bounced as other feet pounded onto it. I don’t know how many or even what they looked like, but they were suddenly all around us, helping me haul Todd back to safety as he howled, “LONELY!”

            We were taken separately to the same hospital, but the memory of that trip is a blur now. I tolerated minimal attention to myself then bolted for Todd’s room at the first chance. They didn’t want me to see him, but I threw such a fit that they had little choice.  Todd was secluded, sedated, and strapped down in their ICU.  

It was almost unbearable to see his ankles and wrists tethered to the bed as he moaned and twitched and only the fortunate intervention of a nurse kept me from loosening them.  Shortly after sunrise, Todd’s eyes flew open. His head thrashed back and forth and he began to fight his restraints.  “Lonelylonelylonelylonely!” he shrieked as a white-clad team rushed in to take control.  I was ushered, sobbing, out of the room as they tried to settle him again.

When he had slipped back into unconsciousness, I was permitted to return. I did not consider tampering with the restraints again that day or the next. No one could tell me what was wrong and my reiteration of what had happened that night on the beach was greeted with long silences, furtive side glances, and a few raised eyebrows.  Todd’s body still emitted small shocks if touched. He was feverish. When awake he would violently try to free himself and seemed incapable of saying anything except that damned word.

I spent most of my waking hours trying to pray, trying to bargain with whatever deities might be listening: my life for his, my soul for his. On the third night, as I dozed uncomfortably in a hard plastic recliner next to his bed, I heard him say my name. I awakened instantly and saw lucidity in his eyes and a weary but calm look on his face.

“Water, please?” he rasped. There were paper cups and straws in the cabinet over the sink. I filled a cup with shaky hands, but didn’t spill any when I held it for him to drink. He took a couple of small sips, then sighed and pulled away from the straw. I reached for the call button and fear flitted across his face. He shook his head.

“No, please.”

“Why?’ I asked, but hesitated with the button untouched. “Todd, they need to see you, need to see that you’re awake.”

“Please. If you care about me, if you love me, don’t. Not yet.”
            I knelt down to his level. “I don’t understand. You’ve been so sick. They need to know that you’re back now.”

An unfamiliar sly expression came into his eyes and a smiled a small, odd smirk.  “I just need you for now. Just for a few minutes, alone. They’ll be all over me soon enough. Can’t we have a few minutes for us?” He rubbed the ends of his fingers on his palms. “My arms are really hurting. Can you let me out of these?”

An unexpected chill ran down my spine. I had a sudden, disturbing memory of a scene from “The Exorcist” and couldn’t understand why. I think it was the look on his face. Whatever was speaking to me in Todd’s voice and lying there in Todd’s body was peeping through as a stranger in Todd’s eyes and smile.

“I can’t. I don’t know how,” I lied. “I’ll call for a nurse and she will do it.”

“No!” Todd growled, the smirk melted away in a rise of an angry flush. “No! They’re trying to kill me. Can’t you see that? You have to let me out of here.” He squirmed, then paused and tried smiling again. “I have to go to the bathroom, babe. I want to get up and go on my own. Please, let me get up to go to the toilet?”

I steeled myself for his irritation and reached across him for the call button again. He snarled and clamped his teeth down on my arm. I yelped in surprise at the pain and wrenched away, but not before I felt a burning sensation begin to spread through me. Todd had the same look he had after touching my head on the beach that night. He began to jerk and convulse. His mouth opened and closed like a landed fish but there was no sound of air being inhaled.

I darted into the hallway and cried out to anyone who might hear, “He can’t breathe!”, then backed into the room again as it swiftly filled with help. I kept walking backwards, unable to tear my eyes from the sight of at least a dozen people grabbing, pushing, and pulling at my husband as he spasmed. When I reached the wall, I felt my body go limp. My legs buckled and I slid silently to the floor as I watched Todd die.  People were still crowded around him barking out things I couldn’t comprehend, but I knew he was gone. I huddled in my little spot, arms wrapped around my knees, feeling as though I were teetering on the edge of a bottomless pitch black chasm.

What else is left to say? Somebody eventually realized that I was present and ordered me taken from the room. A chaplain was sent to comfort me, but I couldn’t tell you a single word she said. Todd’s death is still a mystery and his body has not yet been released.  They won’t find the cause nor would they understand it if they did. 

It was my mistake from beginning to end. I led Todd to whatever I encountered that night and I carry the burden now that caused his death. It had time to begin to acclimate to a new physicality while Todd hosted it and it has adjusted well…too well.  I can feel it nestled inside me like an unborn child, but not a child at all. It does not try to overwhelm me. It learned the limitations of our bodies and it isn’t ready to toss me aside just yet. It wants me to leave this beach. It remembers the misery of its lonely existence and it wants to go far away, meet new people, many people. 

I’ll sit here on the beach, watching the children and knowing that it is watching them too. I can feel its lonely whisper deep within.  It likes the children, wants to be them, but I know that no matter how many lives it assumes, it will never be enough to fulfill that awful emptiness. I feel that emptiness now, too…my own, apart from the other.  We are two lonely beings in one body and I must be the stronger willed of us. Todd tried to be, but I didn’t realize until too late that his walk on the pier was an effort to spare me and any others from what had invaded him.  I understand now.  Tonight, when the children have gone, I will go out to the pier and greet the ocean.  Todd is waiting for me somewhere out there.  He will help guide me to end both of the individuals within me and neither of us will be lonely anymore.